In that life...

Sometimes I wish to know what it would be like to be born again growing up with new friends, spending Christmas with a new family, falling in love with another person, and learning how not to make those same mistakes we continuously regret yet still find some form of pleasure in them. If only I knew what that would be like... I would not cry for this life as much as I do. Because in that life, I would have not met the "friends" that lied and made fun of me. That didn't let me know when they were taking advantage of me. That were my friends for the wrong reasons and told everyone else but me. In that life, I would have not wasted any opportunity to tell my grandmothers how much they both meant to be, and their cooking. To my grandfathers: Though one of them died when I was 9, I would have not been as tiring and bad as I was. The other, I would have not minded about the many miles and miles away to see him when he had his heart attack. In that life, I would have not waited for every father's and mother's day to remind my parents how much I loved them and needed them every day of my life. I would have not fought my brother for insignificant things or ignored him when I wasn't busy and he needed his sister by his side. Or lied about taking him to the park and gone out with my friends instead. In that life I would have not given myself emotionally, physically and spiritually to a man that didn't know how to appreciate the good woman I was. That didn't know how to love the person that loved him unconditionally regardless of the past. That didn't make me a priority when I made him mine. That didn't allow me to grow when he was by my side. That man... The man that I love. He is the same man that as time goes by, less and less time takes for me to forget what he once meant for me. The same man that I would have not met in another life. In that life, I would have not allowed myself to give unnecessary attention to what didn't deserve it. I would have not allowed myself to repeat the wrongness I had done once. In that life, I would have not been the gullible Yanela that hoped for a better outcome when approaching the problem in the same matter. In other words, in that life, allowing myself to make the same mistakes would have not been an option. So many things I would have not done in that life... But In this life, all is left for me to do is to not reflect on what I would have done in that life and get better at this one because I only have one left. One time. One change to make it my BEST life.

A story to tell

I live a very hectic life and with little time to enjoy the breeze and the people passing by, i easily get frustrated and stressed when i forget i should take some time to appreciate my surroundings. But most of the time, my surroundings remind me of the memories, the past, the unwelcome thoughts that hunt my mind. And there i'm suppressed by emotions that take the best of me. Suppressed by emotions that don't let be free. Suppressed by emotions that only allow me to think of thee and The feeling of “loneliness” makes its way. I'm short on breath, I'm short of life. Because I'm consumed in the thought and idea of you. Because I cant, and perhaps dont want or need you in my life anymore. My thoughts walked me down memory lane. I'm too emotional, I should have known... Because in my “world” emotions mean much more than just 3 words, a kiss, a hug... It means human communication (physically, mentally), interaction (spiritually, emotionally), it means EVERYTHING and ALL I have ever known. In my "Emotional world" i also do feel alone. I feel trapped, empty, I feel like nothing without anyone to share it with. I have yet to find someone as passionate about life and its little, yet indispensable, details. It makes me sad, mad, alone. I think to myself, am I asking for much? You seek for intellectual stimulation. Can you get that from books, computers, games? Do you want to? I want emotional support. I need that voice to say “Its okay, I feel the same way too.” People laugh, and I just let them pass me by with those typical comments “Oh she is just untypical, or oh Yanela is just too weird and special.” Maybe I should just take them slightly and joke about it with them... Because to all I know, there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. Maybe I am a bit different. I dont want to deny that, I just want to find some one just as “different” and “weird” to share those “different” and “weird” thoughts with. Perhaps through my paintings and writings, ill be able to communicate with the world? And I've heard that to the world you might be just one person, but to one person you just might be the world. So just perhaps, to my "world" one day ill be able to communicate with just my eyes, no words, no sense of touch, just emotions and we'll know there is love because I'm not too "weird" and "different" but because we are just as weird and different. Moral of the story, we are all and will always remain alone. We just choose to close our eyes and ignore the indifferences among us all, and take those bits and pieces we feel are necessarily convenient to us, and then at that time we don't feel alone. Because we have each other at that point in time, where our differences don't matter at all.

Beats and Pieces

These are three different pieces i wrote. The first two are sweet and short; the last one has a bit more to it. I feel like the three can be connected to a certain extent but it depends on the readers point of view. Either way, I hope you guys enjoy them.

To be who you are, to be what they want.
To be who you need, to be what they seek.
But don’t they know, I already bleed?
…and for that same reason I cry myself to sleep

What’s the matter, haven’t things changed?
Many years in the making,
This process has yet to reach its ending
Im what you see yet there is more to me
Im a human because we are
Im a woman because Im

My thoughts are rare and my options are scarce
Time heals, but my wounds still have scars
This is insane. All these thoughts bouncing in my head
They are uncontrollable they are too much to handle
This is more than a scandal, these are ideas that inspire
These are words that grow in the shadow
I don’t see the stop sign but that’s because there isn’t one
There is no going back, nothing to be sad about
I create what I see what I smell and breathe
Im able to see what i stand for and beleive
You are what I dream about when I sleep at night
Shouldn’t I just stamp you and make you mine?
Some say time will tell whether I should or not
But little does time know that I already got it figured out
You are mine and there is nothing left of that
No questions need to be asked
These thoughts of mine that consumed me inside
Let me to you and all you do and say
I know im not going insane
“I just want you and all of you”
…and there is no going back.
My thoughts are going to be set free
…and so are my emotions for thee

Ill probably further my work for the first two. But as of right now, I’ve got nothing but what I’ve posted. So perhaps...

To be continued....

Partially Unanswered

Why are we drowning in a world of ambiguous ambitions and fake “realities”? So many questions still unasked and no one seems interested to submerge themselves in a world that has yet to be completely traveled and still remains unknown to many of us. No one seems to care. No one seems to give it the attention it needs and the time of day. We are too busy trying too hard to look our “best” not realizing that we are just flesh and our best is absolutely nothing compared to what there is to learn and comprehend. We are the reason why ignorance is more than the ears can hear and the eyes can see.
Beauty is no longer appreciated for the right reasons nor defined in the same manner. Materialistic love is surpassing forbidden boundaries. The true value of peace is being overshadowed by our ignorance and our desire to be “bigger” and “better” than others. Ambitions are obscure and based on a “reality” only they choose to live in.
The waters are deep, dark, and dangerous but this piece of land we call “Earth” is all we knew, know, and will forever know if we blind ourselves to not see past the horizon. We need to be aware, to understand and appreciate life for what it is and what its meant to be. Use your ears to hear reality. Use your hands to make history. Use your eyes to see beauty. Give them the proper use and you will see what others neglect to see because they are blinded by their own ignorance and lack of passion, understanding…
There is so much to hear, see, and breathe. Plenty to live for! Life is filled with too much beauty for us to ignore and take for granted. Waking up every day is the beginning of a new journey, though it may have an end, going at it with the right state of mind can make it that much more valuable, enjoyable, and rare.
Its YOUR life. YOUR story. And you get to be the MAIN character. Make it yours. Engrave your name on it. Then make it happen all over again.
It’s my “personal” awakening…

When in doubt...

Have you ever closed your eyes and wished upon a star? I have. And time stops. And i think. There is emptiness and sorrow and i need to go, i need to be... I search for that empty piece of space where nothing loves, lives or breathes. Where time doesn't exist and life could never be. And i dream. And i scream. Because i want to be heard and nothing here seems to be made for me. I don't belong and don't believe. These inner conflicts within don't allow me to be... free. But its only a conflict because of thee, because what seems to be "normal" its only abnormal to me. Because i see the unthinkable because I'm the impossible. And i laugh. And i love. Me because I'm only a soul under my skin. I define the name and what it means. My actions fulfill what it stands to be. I create what you see. I'm what thee cant understand or appreciate. When in doubt... i observe this obscure world and see life from my own calculated angle. Math allows it to be logical and magical. And I wonder. And I ask. Myself if thee can obtain the equation i can easily see. At times my world becomes that empty space where i wish i could fly, but then get dragged into the "reality" thee live upon. Not mine. Suppressed with "rules" and "laws" that mean nothing to my life. Thee know nothing passed this spherical life. Haven't you wished upon a star? I have.